This page explores anxiety: what it is and how we might recognise it in ourselves and the children and young people in our care.
Self-soothing and regulation
This page explores different types of self-soothing and self-regulating techniques.
This page explores different types of self-soothing and self-regulating techniques. It will look at how you can create a toolkit for yourself and your kinship child. These techniques can help increase feelings of calm, contentment and relaxation, while reducing stress, anxiety and panic.
What is self-soothing?
Self-soothing is how people bring themselves back to a sense of calm and contentment. It uses aspects of the five senses: touch, taste, smell, sight and hearing. This could look like:
- touch: holding something warm like a cup of tea
- smell: smelling the aromas from the tea
- taste: drinking the tea
- sight: looking out into the garden
- hearing: listening to some music while drinking the tea
Children learn to self-soothe or regulate best with the help of a caring adult. In the absence of this they are likely to learn ways of coping which are unhealthy.
What is regulation?
Regulation is when you can control your emotions, so that you can respond to experiences in a healthy way. It involves recognising emotions, understanding their impact, and using strategies to maintain balance and control. For children, learning regulation is important for emotional development and overall wellbeing.
The opposite of regulation is dysregulation. This means you have difficulty controlling your emotions and may respond to things in an unhealthy way. This might look like angry outbursts, a sense of being overwhelmed or impulsive behaviours.
What regulation feels like
When you have self-soothed and regulated you might feel calm, relaxed and in control. Calm and contentment can feel like a state of peace and tranquillity. This is when your mind is clear, your body is relaxed, and your breathing and heart rate feel steady. You might feel a sense of peace, focus, or patience.
For children, calm can feel like a moment when they are safe, secure, and able to enjoy the present without worry. However, it is important to recognise that for some, this state of calm might feel wrong or frightening. For example, they might be more adjusted to high levels of stress or activity, and a sudden shift to calmness might be unsettling or even anxiety-inducing. Understanding this can help you to provide the necessary support, by easing a child into a state of calm.
Some children find it difficult to be fully still. Their fidgeting and movement might be a way of soothing themselves, as well as a sign of their need to always be alert to dangers. If this is the case, you can seek professional help through your GP or your child’s school.
Self-soothing and regulation techniques
What techniques you find useful to soothe and regulate will differ from person to person. Below we’ve gathered a range of different techniques that you might want to explore. Finding the right ones for you or your kinship child may take some trial and error.
Breathing exercises
Breathing exercises can help reduce stress and promote calmness. There are lots of different breathing exercises you can do. The NHS has a range of breathing exercises you can follow.
If you’re working with a younger child, you could try making breathing exercises more playful and fun, by using breathing techniques to have a boat race. You can do this by making an origami boat, and blowing through straws to race your boats across a flat surface.
Mindfulness activities
Mindfulness techniques are focused on noticing what’s happening in the now. Such as observing your surroundings, listening to what’s happening or noticing thoughts or feelings in your body.
BBC Children in Need have a mindfulness hub, packed full of activities, resources and videos that your child might enjoy.
Physical activity
Regular exercise helps release endorphins (happy hormones), which can improve mood and reduce feelings of being dysregulated. Activities like walking, dancing, or playing a sport can help you feel regulated.
Finding something that you enjoy means you’re more likely to keep doing it. If your kinship child doesn’t do any physical activity, you could support them to try new things or try new things together.
Creative expression
Drawing, painting, or writing can be therapeutic and help express emotions that might be difficult to put into words.
Sensory activities
Using sensory tools like stress balls, fidget spinners, or calming jars can help children self-soothe and regulate their emotions.
Calm corners
Create a dedicated space where children can go to relax and calm down in your home. It could include items like soft pillows, blankets, calming music, and books.
Create a calm box
A calm box, sometimes called a self-soothing box, is a personalised collection of items that help soothe and comfort during moments of dysregulation. You can put anything that helps in a calm box.
It can be a good idea to think about how to engage different senses, which can help to reduce stress and regulate emotions. Remember to review what’s in the box regularly, as what your child likes (and dislikes) can change over time.
Here are some items you could include:
- favourite books or stories
- sensory toys such as stress balls, fidget spinners or squishy toys
- a paper boat to encourage breathing exercises (see above)
- items like a favourite stuffed animal, blanket or pillow
- art supplies like crayons, colouring books or drawing pads
- a playlist of calming music or nature sounds
- healthy snacks that are comforting
- activities like wordsearches, sudoku, knitting or collaging
- a chatterbox – a paper craft tool that you can use to have helpful conversations and encourage your child to open up about their feelings (YoungMinds have a template chatterbox you can use, or you could follow the instructions to make your own and add your own questions)
The box the items go in can be anything from an old shoe box to a plastic container. You could decorate the box with your child so they feel involved. Remember to store the box in an easily accessible place and encourage your child to use it at times when they are beginning to feel stressed, anxious, upset or frustrated.
It is important to show children that you use your own regulating tools or calm box. This is so that they can see that it is OK to feel what they feel and OK to need to bring themselves back to a state of balance.
Further reading
To understand more about how having a self-understanding impacts how you raise children, we recommend reading Parenting from the Inside Out by Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell.
Reading books with your child can help you to have open conversations about emotions and help them develop the language to talk about how they’re feeling, such as If I’m upset I can – a children’s book by Julien Bodrieu about coping strategies, self-control, emotional regulation activities and anger management.
Further support and information
Reaching out for support, gaining information and talking with others are helpful ways of coping with dysregulation-related behaviour.
If our own or a child’s dysregulation is leading to behaviour that is difficult to manage, including causing harm to self or others, it is important to seek professional support to help keep everyone safe.
If anyone is in immediate risk of harm, phone 999 for urgent help.
If adults or children have additional needs, such as a diagnosis of autism, specialist support is available. A GP, social worker or family support worker are good places to start in seeking further support.
To talk to someone about how dysregulation is affecting a child or family member, some good options for support are the Young Minds helpline for parents or the NSPCC helpline.
For a text-based service, Shout provide free, confidential support 24/7 via text messaging. To start a conversation, text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258.
Children and young people can also access Childline as a free, confidential telephone service where they can talk about any difficulties they might be having. Children can phone 0800 1111 or visit childline.org.uk for access to webchat and other resources to explore emotions and life experiences.