Organisations and charities who support kinship carers with bereavement after a death.
Managing anger
Information on anger, what it can look like and how to manage it.
Everyone has things that make them annoyed, frustrated or angry. This page explores the emotion of anger – what it is and how to manage it. Understanding our own emotions is an important first step in helping children to understand and manage their own emotions. By practising tips and skill for ourselves as carers, we can confidently guide children through the ups and downs of their emotions.
What is anger?
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion that we can all experience throughout our life, from very early in life through to our later years.
Sometimes, anger can be a way to protect ourselves, as it can make us feel powerful and in control. People who experience trauma can feel powerless or vulnerable. Children and adults can sometimes use anger as a way to express other feelings that can be difficult to share, such as feeling vulnerable, sad or loss.
We all express anger differently. Anger can be an uncomfortable emotion to hold on to, and this can sometimes cause us to act in a way that may seem aggressive, unkind and even frightening.
What anger feels like
We may find anger scary, but the emotion is likely to build up and feel much bigger if we don’t share how we are feeling with others. Sometimes, that feeling of anger can become overwhelming and may lead to a change in our behaviour that hurts ourselves or other people. It helps to talk about how we are feeling before the feelings become difficult to manage.
We can also learn to understand our anger, so that we can manage it better when those feelings start.
Managing anger
When anger shows up, there are some tips we can use for ourselves. When we are practised in these skills, we can show children how to use these skills for themselves. This will help them to express anger in ways that are helpful to them and others.
Notice signs of anger
Look for signs that anger is starting to build up and try to understand what is causing those feelings. What is happening when anger appears? How does it change our behaviour? Some people describe a temperature rise, feeling hot in the head or tension building up from their tummy, chest and head. We can start to notice: how does my body feel when the anger appears?
If we can learn to recognise those early signs in the moment of experience, we are more able to name the feeling and to manage the anger in a way that is helpful to ourselves and others.
Pause and breathe
When we feel angry, taking a pause can help. When we pause, we might notice what thoughts and feelings came before the anger showed up. Taking a pause can help us to notice what we are thinking and feeling in our bodies, giving us time to get back into a state of calm before acting. Focusing on our breathing is a useful tip to create some distance from the anger.
Pressing ‘pause’ in the moment can help us to avoid acting out the anger in unhelpful ways. We can wait until we are calm before taking any action. Once we are calmer, it’s easier to see things from the other person’s point of view. What might they need from us right now? What do we need for ourselves that can help us manage the anger when it shows up?
Try the iceberg activity
Even though we might be expressing anger through our words or actions, we might be feeling a range of other ‘quieter’ feelings underneath the anger, such as fear, worry, sadness or grief. Recognising these ‘quieter’ emotions will help us to understand the causes and feelings connected with the anger.
We can do this through the ‘anger iceberg’. Using this for ourselves or with the children in our care, print or draw an iceberg image. The word ‘anger’ can be written in the tip of the iceberg, the emotion that we are seeing through our words or behaviour.
On the underwater part of the iceberg, we can write down all the emotions that might be ‘quieter’ and less seen. We might be expressing anger, but what else might we be feeling underneath the anger? Naming these feelings is a useful conversation with ourselves or others, helping us to understand what is beneath our feelings of anger.
Sometimes naming emotions can be difficult. Drawings or colours can also be used to represent our emotions. We can always find the words later.
Get support
Read books about anger
We recommend The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegal and Tina Bryson, which can help us help children understand their big emotions.
Children can benefit from reading about emotions, to help them develop the language to talk about how they are feeling. There are lots of books on feelings and anger for children and young people to read. Find more useful books about anger.
Further support and information
Reaching out for support, gaining information and talking with others are helpful ways of coping with anger-related behaviour.
If our own or a child’s anger is leading to behaviour that is difficult to manage, including causing harm to self or others, it is important to seek professional support to help keep everyone safe.
If anyone is in immediate risk of harm, phone 999 for urgent help.
If adults or children have additional needs, such as a diagnosis of autism, specialist support is available. A GP, Social Worker or Family Support Worker are good places to start in seeking further support. Read the NHS page on helping a child with anger issues.
To talk to someone about how anger is affecting a child or family member, some good options for support are the YoungMinds Parents Helpline or the NSPCC helpline.
For a text-based service, Shout provide free, confidential support 24/7 via text messaging. To start a conversation, text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258.
Children and young people can also access support from Childline for free via phone, email or online chat to talk about any difficulties they might be having.